Excerpt from work in progress: The Devil With the Spiraled Horn
March 21st, 1915
Infamous “Unicorn Report” First Allied Military Report of Death by Unicorn, Completed by Alfons Tétu, Special Military Attaché
We can deduce that the troop transport was attacked by unicorns, likely three or four malevolent individuals. There are three points which establish this conclusion, which I trust messieurs will find adequate, as it is the only possible conclusion and therefore the correct one. One, The number of hoofprints point to three equine or equine-like beasts in close proximity to the overturned car. Two, dried purple acidic blood was found wherever the tracks were seen, next to expended shell casings—clearly the mark of the unicorn. Three, the holes and the cavities they left, approximately one-foot deep, bore serrated or spiraled markings—the definitive sign of the unicorn. We may further infer they they were not bent on plunder by the fact that none of the supplies were missing and the victims’ bodies had not been manipulated beyond the initial mutilation wrought by their deaths. By my investigation, which was admittedly circumspect given the mode and methods available to me, the five victims were randomly chosen due to the indefensible place in which their car was located upon the road. All five men died by the horn in an ambush attack, after which the attackers retreated under cover of night. It is my humble opinion that this will be the first of many such raids and it would be advisable to create a taskforce to address this threat and investigate possible weaknesses that may be exploited in the control of it. I pray that messieurs find this report accurate and satisfactory in all respects. I am,
Your humble servant,
Alfons Tétu, Special Military Attaché to the British Expeditionary Force
April 15th, 1915
Military Communique from Major Danbury, Military Intelligence to Gen. Douglas Haig
Sir, a report has come to my attention from a military attaché—an advisor who functions as a sort of amateur investigator. It speaks of an attack by unicorn on a troop transport in which five men were KIA. I did not think the report warranted your attention at the time, but several more similar raids have taken place. I am forwarding along Tétu’s report, which includes recommendations that we form a taskforce to address this unicorn problem.
April 17th, 1915
Cable from Gen Douglas Haig to Major Danbury
Unicorns attacking us? Is this some kind of joke? Are fairies and elves hampering our men using pixie dust as well? I could have you court-martialed for using up my valuable time for playing such pranks, Danbury and I would too if it were not so damned funny. Who is this Tétu by the by? He’s not any special attaché I’ve ever heard of.
April 18th, 1915
Military Communique from Major Danbury, Military Intelligence to Gen. Douglas Haig
Sir, I assure you the unicorn report is not false. Of course you’ve heard of the American “Bigfoot” or Saysquack. We have creatures here in Europe that defy explanation as well…sir. Tétu is a funny little Belgian refugee who has offered us his investigative services. He's quite good and well worth listening to. Please advise me on next steps for setting up a taskforce.
April 20th, 1915
Cable from Gen Douglas Haig to Major Danbury
There will be no unicorn taskforce and you are to take no further action regarding this report. The British Expeditionary Force does not recognize the existence of unicorns or other magical creatures at this time. Any word to the contrary will be viewed as treason.